Peaks and Pits

Quick update-

• I need new work out shirts mine all smell like cat piss and I dont own a cat (was that tmi??whatever).
• I got another call from upstate (the hospital here) I am getting another ct scan tuesday
• my head still hurts (day 32 i believe)
• I’m getting good at not over doing it 30 mins ellip, 2 mile run, abs
• I just found out that I might be able to keep my internship during the school year

I spent prob 30 mins today at work looking at someecards #productiveday

True life I’ve become an awful blogger.

Long story short- 

One of my bajillion dr’s called yesterday they are extremely worried because it has now been 32 days with a head ache… sooo no bueno. More dr’s apts, more scans and more shambles to follow YAAAAAAAAY…

She also told me that my mileage for running weekly might be too high and I’m not giving my body time to heal. 

Wah whatevah. 

Some things I am really proud of myself about:

• i made really delicious protein pancakes today
• i stopped myself at 3 miles today because i could feel my head ache getting worst
• i went for a random road trip with my friends mid day just because
• i finally found salmon burgers around here  and im about to nom it like its my j-o-b.

Protein Pancake Recipe:

Cookies and Cream - 1 scoop

1/3 cup new hope mills pancake mix

1 mashed banana mixed in

some water idk hwo much i used

DELICIOUSNESS. 

Annnd that is the reason america is fat. Those are buffalo chicken bites stuffed with blue cheese…. what the fack. I didnt read the nutrition count, but i’m sure its god awful. 

I went to BJ’s today w mi madre (everyone check out her blog later for a really delish <— or so she says, I duno i dont like pasta so i wont be eating it) Giada dish- she’s extremely excited about it  (www.disheswithdeb.tumblr.com)

I did find this gem though, and hopefully it will last me all year first semester. It’s two massive jars of peanut butter. 

obsessed with this song

Ran 5 miles, didn’t feel chubbin today’ I’m back to weighing myself daily and ya’ll can yell at me all you want but I won’t post any “omgzz i’m up .2 lbs from yesterday” posts, it’s just to keep me on track and motivated- I really need this. 

Abs were feelin’ it today, and I’m getting my push up game back-so word to that

I called the concussion clinic 6 times today let 3 voice mails and no one has called me back yet….let’s just say i’m officially annoyed.

Also random side note- as of tomorrow it will be 1 year since one of the greatest men in my life died. It will also be the 1 year anniversary of this blog. Yikes- Huge recap of my life to come by the end of the week…

Today I couldn’t decide if I wanted to wear my glasses or not- My eye sight def is getting worst but I’m so used to not wearing them that I just don’t haha…I’m sure I should be at all time…but yeah…I think I just hate how people say “Oh you have glasses?” Um yeah…since 6th grade…..

—-

Okay so for my work out/ feelings today- today sucked. I got to the gym and immediately hate everything that was going on. My fuggin shorts were static-ee and it was the number 1 thing I used to hate when I was fat, and bum bum bummm I’m back at a weight where I feel very fat. So the whole time I was working out I was thinking oh man I prob look so fat my shorts are chub rubbin’ up to my thigh and legit the first 3 miles thats all I was obsessing over- I hated every second of it, not for running but because I was literally getting down on myself for everything. So then I stopped…went to get a drink turned around and got on a different treadmil and did another 3 miles. Then still being upset with myself for no apparent reason anymore-just being salty- I took it out on doing abs. I don’t even know why I’m angry anymore other than I’m mad that I”m bigger than I was last summer- yet accomplished so much this year, I’m unable to play on another soccer team (I got asked to play for a travel team this summer last night and had to freakin tell them no), can’t freakin play on this fun kickball team my friends are putting together, can’t freakin’ do anything. poop. 

double poop. 

“And workout hell- a marathon. You’re at mile 20 and you have 6 more to go and your body is just battered and bleeding and miserable and I would rather be dead” 

It’s funny she says that…because that’s exactly what I love about a marathon ;) 

Today I laughed when I noticed 2 things in my bag…

A thing of banana’s….a bag of brazil nuts. People def judge me hahaha.

(this is a pic from the cart not from my bag…MY BAD)

I went to ze gym today and stayed there as long as possible because it is air conditioned and my house is not. FAIL WHALE. My room has an ac in it but I only put it on at night….last night i had the temp at 55 hahaha its fine…

Ran 3 miles, elliptical for 40 minutes, then did abs/ lunges/squats/ push ups. I wasss poooped! 

In search of some more air conditioning I went to the mall with my mom….. and def grabbed this gem…and a free panty of course ;) gotta love the sales!!

Head ache day 27- except it’s dull today, no shooting pain! Woo! 

Also- I talked to a good friend of mine who is a health teacher and I asked her for some names of therapists in our area, I think thats going to really help in all aspects of my life right now.

Yo yo- sorry I actually haven’t been avoiding writing since the other day- You all were so super supportive and I love all your messages you all rock my world ;) and I will be emailing/ messaging you all back ASAP!!!!!

Now onto the GOODs-

I was checking my daily mile account yesterday morning and realized “wow I’m 7 miles away from 1,000 miles ran since I started logging last august!!” So naturally I pushed myself and ran 7 miles yesterday…after I had done a 16 mile bike ride that morning…whoops whatever it was great and I haven’t been so happy/ felt accomplished in forever. 

 <——- 1,000 THAT IS SO AWESOME. and What is more awesome sauce-ums is that I started running 2 febs ago soooo in reality I’ve done much more than 1000 miles!!! Yahhooo

Now onto the bad- 

My head aches have gotten worst… and they either are dull during the day then get really bad or they are just bad all day. This freaks me out. BAD. I thought maybe it was because of the massive heat wave we are having but at this point I’m starting to worry it means that my bones aren’t healing how we want them to. This being said I’ve tried calling the post concussion clinic, and my two different neurosurgeons and still no answer, but thats is my bad because its 4 on a friday…. either way- I’m freaking out a little. Its 26 days now of a head ache #sweetlife

Lets end this with a happy note- 

I got this bag today for 8 doll-hairs and I will be rocking it this fall. wuddup. 

I’m not working out today because yesterday was holy busy and today I just don’t feel like it and my head is splitting :D (<— fake forces smile).

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!! 

Oh also my dog is adorable.

and I read this  and now I eat 1 brazil nut a day. 

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That all being said, I wanted to answer this because I feel like it’s important to whoever said it- because I know it is something many of us struggle with. So if you are the anon here ya go- and I’ll enable the reply thing so if others wanna give tips they can too- so check that out. 

A binge comes from deprivation- number one I would re-evaluate your food log, you might not be eating enough. Also look at what foods you are eating, are you eating a lot of processed foods? a lot of sugar? I read somewhere once “when you eat a lot of junk, you crave even more junk” and I usually thing of that when I start eating crap. 

For example- When ever I go to wegmans in order to not go nutty on the bulk candy- i keep in mind the more i eat it the more im going to want more. Keep it simple I also once read “the first bite is the same as the last” aka, you don’t need to have 20 chocolate covered pretzles…the first 5 are just as good and you don’t need to over do it. 

As for when a binge does start happening- and you know you are binging (because lets be honest we know when we are), stop yourself. Go upstairs- brush your teeth. Go open your lap top and stalk some blogs, or mindlessly search facebook… how about this site (www.stumbleupon.com) itll keep you busy. 

Also binges come from something more usually (even more than calorie deprivation). They are almost always emotional. The only way to stop the binges- fix the problem. What are you upset about? Is work stressing you out? A boy (or girl)? A family problem? It could be the vicious cycle “I eat because I’m fat and I’m fat because I eat” <— sup Fat Bastard from Austin Powers- but he’s right. Think of what is going to make you happier in the long run- that bag of oreos, or being happy with yourself, your life, and your body. All in all the self and body are going to win out. 

(?

First things first- this might be the coolest thing that has ever happened to me. This anonymous message is wicked awesome and I am so happy I have motivated you Elena!!! If I ever go to Italy lets go biking together!!

2nd- I am again in this rut of depression-ish. I feel really awful writing this but I seriously am lacking the joy of stuff right now. That sounds really bad but I seriously am just bumming…a lot. I’m just feeling really awful about everything. I am upset that this happened to me (the head thing), and I’m upset that it ruined my summer. I was playing soccer, softball, running and doing strength in motion and now I’m doing nothing. I go to work and then I come home and go to the gym for an hour ish- because I still am not allowed to push too hard. 

I just don’t understand why this happened to me- I love sports, I love playing and I love being busy. I love pushing myself to the limit and testing things. But no. every freaking day. I’ve woken up with a head ache. 

Yup- that is 23 days in a row now of a head ache, pretty much the entire day. And if it goes away for half an hour, it typically comes back worst. I feel cranky and I feel anxious.

I used to have “exercise guilt” hard core- where if I didn’t do x y and z during my work out it was a failure. Well right now, being able to just do x and not y or z makes the guilt even worst. 

I feel lazy and I feel bleah. 

I’ve had things I love taken away from me- I’d much rather it have been my choice. 

I’m trying to find the positives in life- things besides sports stuff- but then my family keeps getting craped on some more. Idk if this too much personal ish for a public blog that I know many people read in “real life” but whatever- my brothers and his gf are having issues, my mother is having some health problems, moneys tight, my mom lost her job (she works in the city schools here and they are making cuts everywhere) yadda yaaddda yaddda it just keeps going on. Even more tmi I finally have feelings for a guy- like seriously not just “oh well i mean i’d consider going on a date” I mean I SERIOUUSLY like this guy- and oh yup of course things are complicated with that. 

I’m sorry I am just nagging and being a debbie downer- but this is my honest to God feelings right now. And it’s become really hard to blog, because most posts I want to start with 

“well fuggin a i still have a head ache and blahs going wrong today, and this is happening to so and so”. 

so instead I just refrain from blogging at all and I just creep on you guys silently. (Which by the way you all are obviously being fabulous and doing wonderful things)

So I guess all in all what I’m getting at is- I hate that all this is happening right now to me- and I know I sound like “me, me, me” and “lifes not as bad as it could be” but right now- I’m just bumming. And I don’t know if that too is a symptom of my post concussion syndrome or what but it is what it is. 

How can I find some positives? When is it time to see things looking up?

How come none of you had the same realization I had this morning yet?! You will all now go “oooooh yeahh why didn’t I think of that” (that is if you’ve been following this blog for some time)

CROSS COUNTRY IS NOT A CONTACT SPORT.

aka my recent soccer career ending fracture skull injury has allowed me to fully decide that I am going out for xc this august. 

*insert you freaking out with me now please*

I emailed the coach back today and just gave him the jist of what happened, and despite not running for 2 weeks this was my mileage this past week and I am WICKED pleased.

That 7 on tuesday was cycling only- but still very pleased. I ran 5 miles today in 38 minutes and some change and it was feeling great grand and wonderful. 

These are my best friends. Minus Colline and Jay OBV. Amanda was able to visit and megan finally didnt have to work so we all were able to go downtown and it was seriously the best night ever. I don’t even care about the empty calories of alcohol i consumed because this was the most fun I’ve had in a very long time. 

Just chillin on the deck with some cherubs…

Went garage saleing (sp? is that a word) with mi madre this morning…found this dime, totes putting it in my apartment…(um not really…)

This is what I wore to work friday… I got the jacket the day before from CHRISTOPHER AND BANKS yes that is the adult mom store..whatever i love it and im suber (super+uber) pumped because i got it on sale SO WHAADDDDUPPP

Run log-

Friday: 4miles

Saturday: 3 miles (ellip for 25mins after, then lunge/squat/ab progression)

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Since it is so nice out here!! Tonight I’m having a barbq with some friends tonight then going downtown to hit up some patios! :D Lovvvvvvvvvvvvve Summerrrrrrrr!

1) I got my clipless shoes and went for a long ride yesterday!! No spillage yet- but I can get in and out of them very easily I was kind of surprised.

2) Ran 4 miles today :D I am def slower by about 20 seconds but I have a feeling I’ll get that back within the next couple weeks

3) Boston I’m coming for you 

4) I saw Harry Potter last night at midnight. AMAZE SAUCE. Holy balls when did Neville become a hottie tottie?!?!? 

HI.

5) 

Sample of my convo with meg earlier…. I am the blue…. ;) you wish you could bbm friends w me…i make use of all the fancy smileys

That’s all I got for ya….Oh and 

Yup- just about sums it up. 

HAPPPY FRIDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a very exciting post, but very short and sweet because I’m late to go meet my friend. 

I RAN 3 MILES TODAY!!!!! In 24 minutes and some change!! So 1) I didn’t lose ALL my endurance 2) I didn’t lose all my muscle. 

Also- Yes I did run with a head ache, but my dr said as long as it doesn’t get worst mid run, nor do I feel more pressure than I could. 

I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY TO HAVE FINALLY RAN :D 

Post work out sweaty ness :) :) :) Fully enjoying that!! **um please ignore the paleness…I blame it on the fact that I work in an office annnnnd maybe the camera…yeah def the camera…and the lighting….yeahh 

GOOD NEWS MY FRIENDS!

The dr showed me my ct scans - which was awesome. I actually have 2 breaks in my skull, which if you think about it makes sense because its where the softball hit so its the width of a softball. The break is NOT touching my brain <— thank god, however the pieces of my skull that were fractured and displaced is in the outer plasma or something?! Either way they said NO SURGERY is necessary yet. We are waiting until September (when I come back from school) to do another CT scan and take a look at how its growing. This could either be really good or really bad. Because they don’t know how my body will heal, the bones could heal with a weird bone growth because I’m young. So it is possible that on each side of the breaks they start to grow bigger instead of just fixing itself. Sooo I guess we will wait and see about that! 

Other not the greatest news, it is still a most definite “you can no longer play contact sports”. Sooo career ended. 

HOWEVER I asked when I could start running again!!! And they said “as long as you don’t have any concussion symptoms anymore”. Sadly…that has not happened yet. I’ve had a pounding headache everyday so far. 

Oh speaking of that- They are trying to ween me off the pain meds (obv because I’ve prob formed a dependency by now) and because my symptoms are still wicked bad, so they are sending me to a Post Concussion Clinic to evaluate me and what not. 

Going to go to the gym right meow- walk, elliptical (if it doesn’t send my head over the edge), do some abs, lunges, squats. Look at weights and cry because I’m not at strength in motion :( :( :( and then later today go get my bike fitted and buy some clipless pedal shoes! 

** Can someone explain to me why they are called clipless pedals if you HAVE to clip your feet in them?!**

^^Story. Of. My. LIFE

Tri tri and tri again :)  

Tomorrow I have an appointment with another neurosurgeon and get an mri. I am in some serious need of exercise I am going insane but my head has been hurting worst. Crossing my fingers for some answers tomorrow!!

My head hurt really bad today and I had very little appetite. This is really getting old….

… is filled with wedding pics…

soo——

I have re-written this post like 8 times. I’ve started to write then got frustrated and didn’t that day, and then this morning alone I’ve started and deleted about 3 times. 

I feel like there is nothing I can write about for you guys. I am not losing weight and I can’t exercise because of the stupid noggin. 

But then I got to thinking and as ridiculous and sorta religious this sounds- I now really do believe everything happens for a reason. 

*Insert random picture from the wedding to keep you interested*

Before the accident I was so busy. Every day was planned and every day was filled with tons of working out and back to my low calorie count. Cue stupidity again. 

The accident has made me slow WAYYY down. I’m now focusing on my eating and just getting in SOME exercise. Until I can run again, my working down is down to just walking and biking. I was able to “work out” 3 out of 4 days this week, yesterday I went to go elliptical and 15 minutes in my head was throbbing, so I stopped immediately. 

Another pic…the beautiful husband and bride from this past weekend <3

Back to why everything happens for a reason…

I’ve begun to relax. Seriously relax. I’ve been able to hang out with friends, meet up with people I haven’t seen in a while and I’ve met new people (naww sayy ;) <—boys ). Since I’m not working out a butt load and I’m eating normal again I’ve also seen that I’ve started to feel better because I’m not eating to fuel I’m eating on how I feel. I also went back to Weight Watcher meetings Thursday woohoo. 

There are more reasons everything is happening for a reason- but I don’t want to jinx it bahaha I’ll explain later HOPEFULLY (<— that would mean things are good).

Last head update-I have an appointment with another neurosurgeon on Monday, they want to do an MRI and take a look at my CT scan. At the end of the month I’m getting another CT scan to see how my skull is healing (if it is or not). I’ve had headaches everyday still, I really don’t even remember what it feels like not to have one… Life has definitely changed complete….and thats what I mean when I say every year is so much different than the last…
—-So I’m sorry I’ve been mia- I just feel depressed only writing about how crappy my life has been. On top of my ish, my mom is having some medical problems and we’re awaiting more testing so yah that blows too. On top of it, it’s July. July is when I started my blog…July is also when my favorite person in the world died. Yeah…July will forever be the suckiest month ever. 

Thursday I ended up leaving with my parents to drive down to Massachusetts for the wedding a day earlier and got to see my grandparents and take my time on the drive. We stopped a bunch and I mainly slept. However I learned a couple things that I can no longer do (or for the time being).

• wear sunglasses (the sides hurt my head too much)
• listen to head phones (or music loudly)
• chew gum

So Friday afternoon  we got in the car and dropped me off at the hotel about an hour away for the rehearsal dinner. 

Megan, Brittany, Keely and I Friday night before dinner. 

Then Saturday morning we woke up wicked early and immediately started getting out hair done and had to get ready. Here’s just one picture with Jay and Meg. 

It was really hard to get my hair done, they had to switch my hairstyle and do a loose braid on the hurt side, then pony tail it and curly it low on the other side so there wasn’t too much pressure. It worked out perfectly. 

Today will be spent doing a couple things, sleeping (the nurse at the surgeons office said this is the #1 way for me to get back and healed fastest), laying outside, hanging with britty and her  Jess  (who moved out to Cali and is living the dream and is home for a couple weeks), attempt to “work out” (even though I’m not “suppose” to)- but what I’m going to do is just walk, sit on the stationary bike, perhaps lifting <— this may be overzealous but I walked 4 miles with my mom yesterday and it was the best I’d felt in a while. I can’t just sit- I can’t just do nothing. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME. I will go within my boundaries, I’m not running, I’m not doing anything to jossle my noggin- I just am getting some cardio and getting the blood pumpin- that can’t hurt me any more right?!

Oh and that bike- I just emailed a woman who is local and she is SELLING THAT BIKE USED for 500$ barely used. I’m really hoping she emails me back. 

__

Side note- I found out that Chobani’s owner/ maker/ blah blah is from right near my home!! BAhh that’s awesome!!